My Experience with Binge Eating: A Vignette From My Past
After finishing my third pint of Ben & Jerry's that week, I sat in my bed angrily analyzing what the f*ck was wrong with me.
All day I had been obsessing over whether or not I was going to eat ice cream. The thought sat in the back of my mind and influenced every single food choice I made. Feeling guilty from having eaten almost an entire pint of "milk and cookies" the night before I made sure to minimize my calorie intake that day, so as not to gain weight, and essentially starved myself. I was punishing myself for the slip ups I had already had that week, but all the while I was just setting myself up for another binge.
It must have been the hunger that made me stop at the corner store to buy more ice cream on the way home, or maybe it was the panic attack I had on the subway that left me feeling shaky and alone. Whatever it was, I bought the ice cream which led to me to the beginning of this story... sitting on my bed feeling completely frustrated with myself.
This wasn't unfamiliar territory for me. I visited this place of frustration and wondering what my problem was, several times a week for a period of many months.
The amount of self-hate this experience would continually perpetuate for me was overwhelming and exhausting. And though I didn't see it at the time, it was the exact reason I couldn't stop the cycle. It was why I was trapped in a loop, replaying the same scenario again and again on repeat.
I didn't want to eat ridiculous amounts of ice cream. I wanted to be healthy, look good, and feel good in my body. But no matter how strong my desire was to do things differently, I continued to find myself in the same situation with no foreseeable way out.
I was afraid of feeding myself, terrified to nourish my body. I had gotten so used to feeling like I should carefully control my eating habits and monitor everything I put in my mouth that I couldn't even imagine what it would be like to eat three whole meals a day that were healthy. So instead I followed a restrictive diet, counted my calories, and then dove into a pint of ice cream blindly because I was so. damn. hungry.
I was disconnected from my body. I believed that health was something I had to do, to work hard to achieve, and that I couldn't have the body I wanted and feel good at the same time.
The idea of nourishing myself was foreign to me. I was so of the mindset that people needed to control themselves and eat restrictively in order to be healthy that I had no idea there was another way.
Flash forward a few years to me creating a course to help people learn how to listen to their bodies and break the unhealthy cycles that they're in.
How did I end up here?
There were many steps that led me to enrolling in IIN and becoming a Certified Health Coach. Some of which felt like fate, or divine intervention.
A documentary about eating and health popped up on my Netflix one day and because I have always been interested in all of that (believe it or not) I watched, and as I watched something in me shifted. I found myself really intrigued by one of the women in the documentary... it was Kris Carr, and I bought her book: Crazy Sexy Diet.
The book changed my life. It gave me a completely new perspective on the function of food. For the first time in a long time, or maybe ever, I became aware of self-care and started practicing it. One tiny step at a time I focused on taking care of myself, and it led to a beautiful journey of self-discovery. With many other twists and turns including working with an incredible Life Coach for the first time, I signed up to become a Certified Health Coach, and the journey continued.
As I got to the other side of my disordered eating habits and unhealthy relationship with myself, I became passionate about helping others do the same. You see, I know what it's like to be trapped in a cycle... to feel like there's something seriously wrong with you... and to feel like there's no way out, and that's why I can relate to my clients when they're in that exact same place.
When I was binge eating ice cream and starving myself I was so disconnected from my body that I couldn't hear all of the cues it was giving me. It was begging for more fat, hence the "cream" cravings. It was screaming out for more (self) love, hence the sugar cravings. Making ice cream perfect crutch.
As difficult as that period in my life was, I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. Because it was through that experience that I began the journey to learning to listen to my body. And in my opinion, there is almost nothing more important in the world to know how to do... because when you know how to listen to your body, you always know how to take care of yourself.
Often the toughest times bring the greatest lessons.
As I sat in my bed that night wondering what was wrong with me, I was on the wrong side of the battle... I was fighting against myself. It was when I stopped working against myself and started working with myself that everything changed.
If this resonates with you and you're ready to start having an amazing relationship with yourself and with your body sign up for the 6 week course I've created to help you learn how to listen to your body. Now is the time you break the cycle and start experiencing freedom.
6 week course: http://www.nataliecanizares.com/listentoyourbody
Or email me at firstname.lastname@example.org to schedule a free 30 minute consultation.